First of all there is no such thing as foreseeable future. Not in my life.
I was supposed to go to Zurich two weeks ago and that plan got scrapped in the last minute due to the fact that B. had to leave Switzerland in an emergency and travel all the way down to Marseille to visit his niece in the hospital. This wasn't the plan. I spent that weekend feeling sorry for myself instead.

Then I was invited to spend the Easter in Paris, but that didn't work out either because the cheapest combination of flights and hotel was nearly a thousand euro which is a ridiculous price for a long weekend away. Instead I plan to go to Nice for a week for 600 euro and it all just makes much more sense. Nice is deserted this time of the year as it's just before the season and yet it’s relatively warm; warmer than Dublin anyway.

I haven't seen B. since he left mid February other than on Skype, which only makes me feel worse because I can see him but can't touch or kiss. I feel slightly disturbed by the fact that instead of going to see him, I'm going to Nice again with E. . I think this is absolutely positively insane. I'm absolutely sure it proves that I am mad as a hatter and I don't quite know what I should feel about it.

I love Nice and I'm very excited to go.
I miss B. and going on holidays while I haven't seen him for weeks feels a bit like betrayal. He says I should go.
I feel sad that I can't take Luna with me.
There's also slight concern over my ability to unwind, because E. doesn't speak a word of French, hasn't been anywhere not counting two family holidays - in Majorca and some other similar sunspot - and if anything happens to me he will be pretty much stranded, he says. (Nice is tourist-ridden, so nearly everyone speaks some English, but I didn't tell him that :))

So I am piling up concerns while I'm just supposed to let go and have fun... it's so typically me.

The whole thing made me wonder - and mind you, I had some wondering time!
My life seems to have de-anchored itself again, I have nowhere to be and nothing that keeps me anywhere. I could just pack my bags and go. Disappear. The few human contacts that I have are not going anywhere, they will be there when and if I choose to come back.

I am free.

This is an absolutely terrifying thought.